Exit Strategy

A few weeks ago, that which I fear most came to pass.

It was a Friday afternoon at the office. Many employees work from home on Fridays, so it was pretty quiet. I wasn't feeling well after an Indian buffet trip the previous night. Normally, I am an avid avoider of public toilets, let alone at work. There is something unprofessional about squatting in the workplace. Sadly, I was given no choice this day. It was coming whether I wanted it to or not.

I cautiously opened the bathroom door. The motion-sensored lights snapped on to reveal an empty, clean men's room. I grabbed a toilet-liner and headed for the furthest-away stall. Preparing everything with as much dignity as possible, I sat down and went about my business.

I didn't think anyone would actually come in, but I made several courtesy flushes just in case. Bathroom etiquette is very important.

Everything was proceeding as well as could be expected. I was quite pleased to have privacy for this delicate moment. And then it happened...

The overhead lights snapped off.

I stifled a scream.

With no windows, it was pitch black. Thoughts flooded through me.

Is someone in here? Dear God. Say something!

"H-hello?" I squeaked into the darkness.

Maybe the janitor shut the lights off... maybe it's five o'clock already... no... it can't be... I would have heard the door open... unless someone snuck in here...

I shivered. My mind reeled with the possibilities of knife-wielding killers slipping into the men's room. Of mindless zombies shambling under the stall wall and feasting on my exposed flesh.

I'm going to die. I'm going to be killed. At work. In the bathroom. In the dark. On a toilet. Smelly and alone.

My corpse will be discovered on Monday morning. Slumped over. Pants around my ankles. Flies everywhere.

I was sitting in the utter darkness, panicked and sweating through my dress shirt.

Just breathe. Calm down. Don't be an idiot. Nobody is in here. You're alone. Killers don't come into company bathrooms to murder people, and even if they did, they wouldn't do it in the dark... right? Right. So who turned off the lights...? Nobody. They're automatic you retard. You're taking too long and they went off. Everything's fine. Just move around and they'll come back on.

I waved my arms around my head.

Nothing.

I stood up.

Nothing.

I shuffled towards the stall door, pants around ankles, arms waving like an angry chimp.

Nothing.

Are the lights tied to the bathroom door somehow? I can't just waltz out there like this. What if someone comes in while I'm here? How am I supposed to explain why I'm sitting here dumping in the dark? They're going to think that I'm a killer. Okay. Be cool. Maintain. Just finish your business, get dressed, and get the hell out. Everything's fine.

I found my way back to my seat and reached for the toilet paper roll atop the empty dispenser.

Thump.

I knocked it to the ground and heard it roll softly into the darkness beyond.

Noooooo!

I got down on hands and knees, pants and belt buckle scraping against the tile floor as I crawled around in blind pursuit. I wasn't finding anything except a mysterious moisture on the floor. I fought back the urge to vomit.

This can't be happening. Any second someone is going to come in. I'm going to be the sick, smelly, psychopath crawling around on the bathroom floor, pants down, ass up, in the dark. It will probably be the CEO too. The fucking CEO is going to stroll in and see me like this—I know it. I'm going to be fired immediately. Possibly arrested. I'll never find another job again. There's no bouncing back from this. I have to get out. I've been in here for like an hour. Just get the fuck up, pull your fucking pants on, and get out before anyone sees you. It doesn't matter if you're not done. You can come back later and tidy up. When the lights are on. Or wait till you get home. Just get out. Pull your pants on and get out. GO! Run bitch, run!

Survival instincts took over. In one fluid motion I got up, got my shirt tucked into my pants, buckled and zipped up, found the stall latch, unlocked it, burst out of it and ran towards the exit in complete darkness. I stopped short, found the bathroom door handle, yanked it open, squinted at the sudden light burst, then erupted towards my cubicle, never looking back.

When I got to my cube I was panting heavily, disheveled, sweaty, and visibly rattled. Adrenaline coursed through me. I couldn't sit down and pretend to work any more. I'd had a near death experience—didn't I deserve the rest of the day off? I sanitized my hands, got my coat, and left the building in disgrace.

When I got home the first thing I did was take a shower and do laundry. I thought I could wash the horrors of the day away, but sleep came uneasily, and I dreamed the whole event happening again.

The moral of this sad story?

Always have an exit strategy.

Oh, and no Indian buffets.

Another top 5 List

Worst 5 People to Walk Behind

1. Couple in Love—These people really need a punch in the throat. They walk slowly ahead of you, gazing into each others' eyes with shy little smiles while you have just been dumped and spent the last few days watching the Gameshow Network and eating corn chips. Usually holding hands and taking up the entirety of the sidewalk, they are sure to make you late for any engagement. All you want to do is get a running start and crash through their interlocked arms, like the finish line of a race or a childhood game of Red Rover, send "___" right over! The younger couples will have hands in each others' back pant pockets, causing them to sway left and right with each stride as you try in vain to pass them. For maximum irritation they might stop in mid-stride to share a quick kiss. Your laser beam scowl bounces right off their force field of obliviousness. Your deepest hatred cannot penetrate their oasis of love. Helpless, you will follow this couple inevitably to your final destination. While you might veer into an office building for a day of work or a dentist appointment, they will continue onward to a picnic in the park or a couples massage.
   
   
2. Drunk Girl—We all know this girl. We have all walked behind this girl for what seems like miles in the wee hours of the morning when all we want to do is crawl under the covers. Inappropriately dressed, she will stumble slowly infront of you, swaying to and fro, blocking all escape paths. We try to walk very slowly behind her, keeping our distance in case she falls backwards and touches us—or worse—to prevent any passersby on the opposite sidewalk from thinking that we know each other. We want to distance ourselves from Drunk Girl as much as we can. We don't want to actually cross the street and pass her by because this might call attention to us and then maybe she will start spewing drunken obscenities at us. Slow and steady wins the race with Drunk Girl. Inevitably, Drunk Girl will whip a cell phone out of her purse and begin drunk dialing ex-boyfriends. The conversation might be something like this:

Drunk Girl: Heeeeey Keeeevin. Whatcha been up tooOOOoo?

*muffled response*

Drunk Girl: Omigawd I knoooooow. I've been craaaaaazy busy tooooo. It's like....craaaazy! There's so much...BUSY going on, ya know what I mean? Ya know?

*muffled response*

Drunk Girl: No KEVIN I am not DRUNK-ah! I just wanted to talk to you JERK! GAWD-ah!

*muffled response*

Drunk Girl: No YOU go to BED! Go sleep with WHATS HER FACE! The one with the **burp** PERM and...HORSE TEETH!

*muffled response*

Drunk Girl: WhatEVER ASSHOOOOLE!

*click*

Drunk Girl will now weep the rest of the long walk home. Pausing only to mutter, look into a compact mirror, and apply more and more unnecessary lipstick.


3. Foreign Tourists—While these people may only come from overseas, it often seems they come from another planet. A planet where rules of social acceptability do not apply. It seems to them that it is perfectly fine to blockade an entire sidewalk so that they can get a picture of one another infront of God-knows-what striking some inane pose, God-knows-why. Often traveling in flocks and speaking foreign tongues, the herd will never let you pass, never allow for any fun eavesdropping, and after irritating you thoroughly with their antics of stopping, starting, slowing, pointing, etc. They will even spin around and mime for you to take their photo infront of something. Despicable.
   
   
4. School Field Trip—If 50+ twelve-year-olds swarming around you isn't enough to churn your stomach, then you are a stronger man than I. 50 loud, laughing, screaming brats all revelling in prepubescency. 50 pairs of dirty hands high-fiving, pushing, and texting emoticons on their cell phones. 2 exasperated teachers will be trying in vain to control their loose flock, shouting orders over the crowd, like "Jimmy put that away!" "Kayla get that out of your mouth!" and the fruitless "Stay to the side to let people by!" Soon they will give up any thread of control of the herd and turn back to their coffees—irish no doubt. You'll notice people giving this group a wide berth. It's not that we inately fear children. After all, we are bigger, stronger, and can usually intimidate with words without the need for spankings or snapping their tiny necks like a chicken's. However children of today are different. They are teenagers at 10 years old. Moody, disrespectful, and under intense peer pressure to be cool. This means you won't hear any apologies when one bumps into you, no pleases or thank yous, and certainly no moving aside to let you pass. Part of me sympathizes with this ragtag group of adolescents and the trouble they are going to face in the years to come, while the other part of me wants a tractor trailer to tip over and wipe them all out so I can go on my way.
   
   
5. Smelly People—I'm blessed and cursed with a very large and sensitive nose. I have little tolerence for exposure to prolonged odors. This includes (yes I'm a terrible, awful, wicked wretch of a man) the homeless, sweaty joggers/gym enthusiasts, manual laborers, and simply anyone who decides to spray paint their bodies in cologne or perfume instead of dabbing or spritzing it on as intended. Fragrances are meant to be subtle and smelled only by those within arms length. It isnt to make a trail of stench that lingers for hours in your wake. If people follow behind you spraying air freshener, you should take the hint. If you leave a room and people open the window it is not a coincidence. It is these people I most dread walking behind. What is one to do? Hold their breath and hang back to let them get a head start and you become late? Pull your collar over your mouth, put your head down and make a mad, bullish dash past them? Ask them to kindly stop exuding noxious fumes? There is no easy solution but to find an alternative route entirely.

I make this list not because I'm a douchebag. If you've read any of my other posts, you already know this to be fact. I make this list to raise awareness. Be cognizant that if you fall into any of the 5 categories above, you are wrecking havoc on innocent people. Commuters, professionals, and children. Think of the children.