Dear Airline Industry

Dear Airline Industry,

You've got it all wrong. Let me fix it for you. Please enact my suggestions below:

1. First of all, I understand that Mr. and Mrs. Moniesworthington in first class need to board the plane first and not with the rest of us peasants, but why put them at the front of the plane? First class should be in the back of the plane. It's quieter, and out of the way of everyone else trying to board after them. Then, after Buffy and Muffy have their cosmo-tinis and are settled into their leather recliners with headphones and hot towels, board the rest of the plane from the back to the front. Do you see how that works? So that as people are boarding, there aren't people blocking them in the aisle, struggling to fit their 49.5 lb bags into an oversmall overhead bin because we are all trying to avoid your inane baggage fees, which brings us to point 2.
2. $25 per bag? Really? That's the best you could come up with to offset your Federal Defecit-like budget? $2 for peanuts? $5 for an old, smooshed pb&j sandwich? What spawn of imbreeding came up with your fiscal plan? Here's some pointers on charging fees.
• Sell drugs on the plane. Do you know how uncomfortable it is to fly? Of course you do. Sell us some vicodin for God's sakes. Lace it with percocet and xanax. Children's sizes too. Have us  passed out, mellowed out, and drugged out all the way to L.A. Your flight attendants will thank you for it.
• Sell Sleeping Kits. I would happily give you $5 for a REAL pillow, blanket, and earplugs. When I say real, I mean a blanket that isn't the standard issue  2' x 2' sandpaper tarp handed out at homeless shelters. And when I say real pillow I mean a standard size pillow, stuffed with soft material, not the ipod sized 'pillow' stuffed with mothballs and covered with a hospital gown that you're so fond of doling out. Lastly, non-recycled earplugs to block out little Bethany's tantrum after she drops her juice box and wants the whole plane to know that life isn't fair.
• Show good movies. Wild Hogs? Bridge to Terabithia? Ice Castles? Are you serious? Show something that wasn't made in Disney's sub-basement. Something not cramming family values down our throats. You're wasting your time. Most of us are drunk, high, plotting ways to brutally murder the child kicking our seat behind us, or in the midst of the mile high club to make the flight tolerable. How about something by Mel Brooks? Or something akin to Waiting for Guffman? What's wrong with Saw V? Some quality porn? No need for the kinky stuff since kids are around. Just an assortment of Debbie Does Dallas, Debbie Does Debbie, and Donnie Does Donnie. Personal lubricant anyone? Cha-ching!
3. Why in the name of all that is holy do you overbook for your flights? So that you can overcrowd the gate area with 50 people on standby and make us listen to repeated announcements asking us to give up our seats for a box of Cracker Jacks and some good karma? Get bent. There is nothing you could offer me that will make me stay in your hellish airport any longer than I have to. Maybe if the seats were comfortable, the price of everything wasn't exhorbitant, and there were some stores and restaurants of any interest. Another detriment is lugging suitcases and bags anywhere you go. Do you know how hard it is to use a urinal with a bag over your shoulder and holding onto a suitcase? Or cramming it all into a bathroom stall?
4. Those beeping golf carts full of old people in the airports have got to go. They are a menace. At least give them their own lane instead of plowing through pedestrians like some sick game of Red Rover.
5. There seems to be a problem with ground traffic. Instead of sitting on the runway for 30 minutes, maybe you should think about adding a 2nd runway.
6. What is this "Don't worry folks, despite our late departure we can 'make up time in the air'" business? If you can go faster, just go fast to start with! What could possibly be the reason for going slower in the air? Trying to sell an extra lunch box or two? Do you enjoy torturing your customers? Because that's what air travel is. It's dry, stuffy, cramped, loud, ear-popping, the temperature is never quite right, and it's impossible to sleep. I think that instead of having prisons, we should keep criminals on planes. They'll be out of the way, and constantly punished. There's nothing to do in a plane but think about what you've done. They can't smoke, recline, sleep, use electronic devices, have anything sharp or over 3 fluid ounces, or eat anything that wasn't made by Quaker, Kraft, or Capri-Sun. Prisoner not behaving? Throw them into the cargo bin below the plane. Prisoner wants something to read? Sky Mall Magazine. Prisoner feeling ill? Children's aspirin and a vomit bag. Prison break? Nowhere to go at 30,000 feet—bon voyage!

So, in closing, if you would simply sell prescription drugs on the plane, sleep-aids, adult entertainment, rent your planes to the Incarceration Industry, and improve every facet of your day to day operations, you just might stay in business.

Sincerely,

A recent passenger who managed to get through TSA with a bottle of mace on his keychain but had his snowglobe confiscated.