- Couple in Love—These people really need a punch in the throat. They walk slowly ahead of you, gazing into each others' eyes with shy little smiles while you have just been dumped and spent the last few days watching the Gameshow Network and eating corn chips. Usually holding hands and taking up the entirety of the sidewalk, they are sure to make you late for any engagement. All you want to do is get a running start and crash through their interlocked arms, like the finish line of a race or a childhood game of Red Rover, send "___" right over! The younger couples will have hands in each others' back pant pockets, causing them to sway left and right with each stride as you try in vain to pass them. For maximum irritation they might stop in mid-stride to share a quick kiss. Your laser beam scowl bounces right off their force field of obliviousness. Your deepest hatred cannot penetrate their oasis of love. Helpless, you will follow this couple inevitably to your final destination. While you might veer into an office building for a day of work or a dentist appointment, they will continue onward to a picnic in the park or a couples massage.
- Drunk Girl—We all know this girl. We have all walked behind this girl for
what seems like miles in the wee hours of the morning when all we want to do is crawl under the covers. Inappropriately dressed, she will stumble slowly infront of you, swaying to and fro, blocking all escape paths. We try to walk very slowly behind her, keeping our distance in case she falls backwards and touches us—or worse—to prevent any passersby on the opposite sidewalk from thinking that we know each other. We want to distance ourselves from Drunk Girl as much as we can. We don't want to actually cross the street and pass her by because this might call attention to us and then maybe she will start spewing drunken obscenities at us. Slow and steady wins the race with Drunk Girl. Inevitably, Drunk Girl will whip a cell phone out of her purse and begin drunk dialing ex-boyfriends. The conversation might be something like this: - Foreign Tourists—While these people may only come from overseas, it often seems they come from another planet. A planet where rules of social acceptability do not apply. It seems to them that it is perfectly fine to blockade an entire sidewalk so that they can get a picture of one another infront of God-knows-what striking some inane pose, God-knows-why. Often traveling in flocks and speaking foreign tongues, the herd will never let you pass, never allow for any fun eavesdropping, and after irritating you thoroughly with their antics of stopping, starting, slowing, pointing, etc. They will even spin around and mime for you to take their photo infront of something. Despicable.
- School Field Trip—If 50+ twelve-year-olds swarming around you isn't enough to churn your
stomach, then you are a stronger man than I. 50 loud, laughing, screaming brats all revelling in prepubescency. 50 pairs of dirty hands high-fiving, pushing, and texting emoticons on their cell phones. 2 exasperated teachers will be trying in vain to control their loose flock, shouting orders over the crowd, like "Jimmy put that away!" "Kayla get that out of your mouth!" and the fruitless "Stay to the side to let people by!" Soon they will give up any thread of control of the herd and turn back to their coffees—irish no doubt. You'll notice people giving this group a wide berth. It's not that we inately fear children. After all, we are bigger, stronger, and can usually intimidate with words without the need for spankings or snapping their tiny necks like a chicken's. However children of today are different. They are teenagers at 10 years old. Moody, disrespectful, and under intense peer pressure to be cool. This means you won't hear any apologies when one bumps into you, no pleases or thank yous, and certainly no moving aside to let you pass. Part of me sympathizes with this ragtag group of adolescents and the trouble they are going to face in the years to come, while the other part of me wants a tractor trailer to tip over and wipe them all out so I can go on my way. - Smelly People—I'm blessed and cursed with a very large and sensitive nose. I have little tolerence for exposure to prolonged odors. This includes (yes I'm a terrible, awful, wicked wretch of a man) the homeless, sweaty joggers/gym enthusiasts, manual laborers, and simply anyone who decides to spray paint their bodies in cologne or perfume instead of dabbing or spritzing it on as intended. Fragrances are meant to be subtle and smelled only by those within arms length. It isnt to make a trail of stench that lingers for hours in your wake. If people follow behind you spraying air freshener, you should take the hint. If you leave a room and people open the window it is not a coincidence. It is these people I most dread walking behind. What is one to do? Hold their breath and hang back to let them get a head start and you become late? Pull your collar over your mouth, put your head down and make a mad, bullish dash past them? Ask them to kindly stop exuding noxious fumes? There is no easy solution but to find an alternative route entirely.
Drunk Girl: Heeeeey Keeeevin. Whatcha been up tooOOOoo?
*muffled response*Drunk Girl: Omigawd I knoooooow. I've been craaaaaazy busy tooooo. It's like....craaaazy! There's so much...BUSY going on, ya know what I mean? Ya know?
*muffled response*
Drunk Girl: No KEVIN I am not DRUNK-ah! I just wanted to talk to you JERK! GAWD-ah!
*muffled response*
Drunk Girl: No YOU go to BED! Go sleep with WHATS HER FACE! The one with the **burp** PERM and...HORSE TEETH!
*muffled response*
Drunk Girl: WhatEVER ASSHOOOOLE!
*click*
Drunk Girl will now weep the rest of the long walk home. Pausing only to mutter, look into a compact mirror, and apply more and more unnecessary lipstick.
